The time:
1600-something, or as 17th century geeks called it, Y1.6K.
The place: Montreal and points west.
ACT I: The Age of Discovery
Setting: a sleepy Montreal village
Madame Frou-Frou, an artisan, flips her sign from
"closed" to "open," and a new day dawns. It is the morning after a yearly
French Canadian ritual in which an artiste du chaine-sois has
carved a model of the world out of a tree stump with a chain saw. There
are also many newcomers, and Madame Frou-Frou assures them that, although
they will encounter many unpleasant things, she has enough hats for
everyone. Daniel Greysolon Sieur duLhut enters, confused. His name, "duLhut,"
causes the mischievous townfolk to make sport of him. DuLhut has
commissioned a grand house for his love, Missy. There has been a
misunderstanding and his house is smaller than expected. Alas, he has not
kept his receipt and cannot get a refund.
Zinfandel, Missy’s father, angrily demands to
know duLhut’s raison d’etre. DuLhut walks like a man, talks
like a man, and stammers like a man. Zinfandel is not satisfied and the
chorus decides to have a little drink or two. DuLhut asks for Missy’s hand
in marriage, but Zinfandel refuses. Missy implores her father to relent,
but Zinfandel is adamant. DuLhut, with a heavy heart, wooden limbs, an
iron constitution, and a birchbark canoe, swears he will do something
important such as discover an ocean. Missy plans to follow her beloved to
the ends of the earth, or to a town with three or fewer decent
restaurants, whichever comes first. Pinot Griggio, duLhut’s captain,
recruits men for his band of merrily unwashed voyageurs. Missy, thinking,
disguises herself as a boy named Creme Brulee. Although this is a rather
girly name, Pinot Griggio and the other voyageurs fall for it and welcome
her a-stern. Two suspiciously familiar-looking Jesuits also join the merry
band.
Act II: En Route to the New World
setting: en route to the new world
The voyageurs are en route to the new world. They
are weary, portaging not only an 18-month supply of beef jerky, but also
duLhut’s small and disproportionately heavy house. Yet they sing in four
parts. Delirious with fog, fatigue and tedium, they encounter a tedious,
foggy swamp of fatigue. The loons and gulls mock them. The droning of
mosquitoes and black flies mocks the gulls and loons. A mocking contest
ensues, then a droning contest, followed a list of school cancellations.
A Native guide translates French greetings into
Ojibwe and also makes pemmican hotdish with Bernaise sauce. With her help,
DuLhut easily discovers landmarks, rivers, and other cartographic
elements. He’s so vain. A team of Valkyries appears and chastises the
arrogant duLhut with a curse that implies meteorological disaster and
discomfort for all posterity unless they can break it.
Act III: The Age of Immigrants, or Shoulda,
Woulda, Coulda
Setting: A city on the mouth of an estuary
The Native guide has tutored the voyageurs
extensively during the intermission, but they are still unable to navigate
the dangers of the New World or ask for directions. Meanwhile, Crème
Brulee, frustrated that duLhut is too blinded by his pursuit of discovery
and adventure to see her for who she is, confides in Pinot Griggio. He is
confused because he has been attracted to Crème Brulee and does not know
how to advise him. Her. Him. Anyway, Crème Brulee runs to La Place du
Itchee. Pinot Griggio is frantic but only a tenor. The Jesuits appear
but they are celibates and cannot help him.
Crème Brulee aka Missy emerges from the woods.
Her bad hairstyle indicates that she is insane.
